If you thought Yancy was unbelievable, perhaps you’d like to learn about my encounters with Valerie Emshiska (not her real name).
One night Valerie was having a party at her home, and when I needed to use the facilities, the only one I could find was the restroom that was adjacent to Valerie’s bedroom. I thought it strange that a woman would leave so many personal and feminine things out in her restroom when having a party, so I told her about it, also letting her know that it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable but that it might make other men feel that way when they used her restroom.
So she’d know I wasn’t personally uncomfortable, I told her how my sister used to have me go to the store and buy her cigarettes for her when I was 8 years old, and after they started not believing me anymore that I was getting them for my sister, she then had me pick up her feminine products at the same time.
I later learned that men at Valerie’s party were to use her son’s bathroom, the door of which had been closed at the time when I needed to use the restroom, and that I wasn’t the only man who had a hard time finding it. On subsequent parties at her house, she put up a sign that pointed to the “boys bathroom.”
A few months later, when I was told a prayer request concerning Valerie and a court hearing, I e-mailed her to see how things went and what the deal was. She kept prodding me about who told me about it and what was said, and when I told her exactly what was said, that things would be resolved in the best way, and who told me, she then laid into me like Mike Tyson, never giving me a chance to respond and accusing me of gossip and butting into her life.
Her accusations wandered from the exaggerated to the imagined. First, she accused me of rifling through her bathroom at the party at her house, which was both a highly exaggerated and incredibly imagined view of what had happened. Then, she accused me of telling a friend of hers that she was going to a dance party I had organized, which was a completely fabricated accusation (I had told her friend that Valerie was also invited but never said she had confirmed she’d be there). And, she then accused me of being a party to gossip and butting into her business by even trying to inquire how things went with the court hearing.
When Valerie quit spewing her accusations, she then threatened to take these complaints to the church leadership if I ever got in her way again. Since her venom flew so quickly without giving me any chance for a rebuttal, I just answered her that I heard what she said, and she then hung up on me.
After getting my ears roasted by Valerie’s fire, I called the friend who had shared the prayer request with me, and he then told me, “Now you know the real Valerie,” and that his prayer request had been highly couched in his understanding that this was what she would do while in court (she had apparently done a lot of other manipulative things while there, too, but I won’t go into those).
As I looked back on my interactions with Valerie, I did see some signs that she was a very controlling person. The most extreme one I recall was one time when a bunch of us were having lunch at a restaurant after church on Sunday; she asked me to go with her son while he went to the restroom. Now, if this were a dangerous place and he was much younger than his eight years, I can see a mother’s concern more readily, but come on! All I did, though, was walk with him to the restroom door and waited outside until he came out.
After seeing her actions, I now understand the unspoken hesitations by others when I expressed to them an interest in her. And since Valerie and Yancy both attend the same church and singles group, I guess you could say that I was beginning to see how truly sick the women are in that group, making me even less interested in any of the women that were available there.
The story doesn’t end there, but this posting does.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
Life’s a Dance…You Learn As You Go…
Although my previous post may have demonstrated the rather immature and viscious game played by a particular woman, I don’t want you to think I believe all women are evil. On the contrary, I enjoy talking with women, being with women, and getting to know them better. I always like hearing a woman’s thoughts on things I’m thinking about. Having two older sisters, I’ve had women around me all my life—no, they did not play weird games with me, but I was spoiled quite a bit, almost like having three mothers growing up.
One of the things I enjoy doing with women is dancing. Yes, I’m one of those unique men who actually loves to dance, and this happened long before Richard Gere saw Jennifer Lopez on his train ride home in the movie Shall We Dance? In fact, it’s been about ten years now when I first started learning country dancing in Dallas, and almost eight years since I started getting more serious with this fun activity.
In Dallas, the country dancing steps are different than they are elsewhere, and when I moved to Arizona, I found I had to teach almost all the women I danced with how to do the steps I knew. On a rare occasion, I ran into some women who had just moved from Chicago and Iowa that already knew those steps, so that made my times dancing more enjoyable.
My favorite dance step is the progressive double two step, which fits well with the faster-beat country songs (practically all of Shania Twain’s greatest hits). For those familiar with east coast swing or jitterbug, it’s the same foot count as the triple-count step, except the couple moves around the dance floor instead of dancing in the middle (that’s another thing that perturbs me about Arizona dancers—they dance in place all over the dance floor instead of in the middle according to proper dance etiquette, causing lots of “traffic jams”).
Another country step I like is called the three step, which is danced to the same songs as the two step (the kind done in Texas, not the Arizona version that has more in common with west coast swing), except shuffling is done on the first three foot movements followed by a walk-step, rather than two quick and two slow walk steps as in the two step.
Of course, the waltz is always a must for those songs that fit that long-short-short/long-short-short beat, and have that special romantic lilt to them. If the song is much faster, though, I prefer a modified polka step, which can almost become a spinning run around the dance floor with the way I like to lead it.
I have been trying a little bit of salsa and cha-cha. In the meantime, east coast swing in its many varieties is a fun style to do, especially when a 40’s or 50’s era song comes on; it can be a great method of shared exercise, too.
I also find dancing a great way to get to talk to my dancing partners, but I do let them concentrate more on breathing when we do a polka or a really fast east coast swing (it’s very important to keep breathing while dancing). To get fancy, I also try to end a song with a dip or a drop, depending on the comfort level of my partner.
A dip is done by keeping your hand behind the woman’s back as she falls backwards, with her keeping her body stiff from her shoulder all the way down to her knees. Once a woman gets comfortable in doing this, she can add some flair to the ending by straightening out her right arm in a “ta-da” manner and kicking her left leg straight up in a cheerleader-style kick. It’s always important for the woman to kick out her left leg, as doing that maneuver with her right leg might cause the man great personal injury, causing him to accidentally drop his partner. Although it takes a fair amount of strength, this is accomplished mainly with leverage. When I start the dip maneuver, I bring the woman directly in front of me and lean towards her and give her a gentle push to my left with my hand on her lower back. With this hand-placement, I can hold a woman up for quite a few seconds and only a few inches from the floor.
A drop is done almost the same way, except I hold on to the woman’s hands with her wrists crossed and give a gentle push towards her, which is the signal for her to lean backwards. Unless a woman has done this maneuver before, I typically show her how to do it off the dance floor a few times before doing it on the dance floor. With this maneuver, I remain standing straight up the entire time while the woman does all the downwards movement. And, just as in the dip, the woman can also do a hand-flair and cheerleader kick if she’s comfortable with the leverage. On the other hand, this maneuver can be more taxing on the woman’s body, as she doesn’t have my hand under her back to help her keep straight, so holding her down for a long time is not a good idea unless she’s sufficiently athletic. Bringing the woman back up after a dip, though, is a bit more of a challenge, so I typically will spin her on her way up so she turns counter-clockwise before facing me again, which is easier for me and more fun-looking to others and the woman than just coming straight up.
For the most daring women, I also love leading a flip. As with the drop, this should be done first off the dance floor and with a woman who is either gymnastically trained or is average or light weight and shorter than the man. Since I’m 6 feet tall and stronger than average, I can flip a woman comfortably two or three times in a song that’s not gymnastically trained up to around 150 lbs and somewhat close to my height. The reason for being extra careful with this maneuver is that the woman is literally flipped in the air around the man’s right arm, which is held straight out; if done correctly, the woman will tuck her legs in and allow the man to push her around his arm while she lightly cups her hands around his arm.
I start the flip maneuver by moving the woman so she’s on my right side in a 90° position to him. Once in that position, the man puts his right arm across the woman’s front and puts his hand on her waist. I place my left hand on the back of her legs behind her knees and push forward so she then somersaults over my right arm.
Well, that’s all for now! Don’t forget to dance…
One of the things I enjoy doing with women is dancing. Yes, I’m one of those unique men who actually loves to dance, and this happened long before Richard Gere saw Jennifer Lopez on his train ride home in the movie Shall We Dance? In fact, it’s been about ten years now when I first started learning country dancing in Dallas, and almost eight years since I started getting more serious with this fun activity.
In Dallas, the country dancing steps are different than they are elsewhere, and when I moved to Arizona, I found I had to teach almost all the women I danced with how to do the steps I knew. On a rare occasion, I ran into some women who had just moved from Chicago and Iowa that already knew those steps, so that made my times dancing more enjoyable.
My favorite dance step is the progressive double two step, which fits well with the faster-beat country songs (practically all of Shania Twain’s greatest hits). For those familiar with east coast swing or jitterbug, it’s the same foot count as the triple-count step, except the couple moves around the dance floor instead of dancing in the middle (that’s another thing that perturbs me about Arizona dancers—they dance in place all over the dance floor instead of in the middle according to proper dance etiquette, causing lots of “traffic jams”).
Another country step I like is called the three step, which is danced to the same songs as the two step (the kind done in Texas, not the Arizona version that has more in common with west coast swing), except shuffling is done on the first three foot movements followed by a walk-step, rather than two quick and two slow walk steps as in the two step.
Of course, the waltz is always a must for those songs that fit that long-short-short/long-short-short beat, and have that special romantic lilt to them. If the song is much faster, though, I prefer a modified polka step, which can almost become a spinning run around the dance floor with the way I like to lead it.
I have been trying a little bit of salsa and cha-cha. In the meantime, east coast swing in its many varieties is a fun style to do, especially when a 40’s or 50’s era song comes on; it can be a great method of shared exercise, too.
I also find dancing a great way to get to talk to my dancing partners, but I do let them concentrate more on breathing when we do a polka or a really fast east coast swing (it’s very important to keep breathing while dancing). To get fancy, I also try to end a song with a dip or a drop, depending on the comfort level of my partner.
A dip is done by keeping your hand behind the woman’s back as she falls backwards, with her keeping her body stiff from her shoulder all the way down to her knees. Once a woman gets comfortable in doing this, she can add some flair to the ending by straightening out her right arm in a “ta-da” manner and kicking her left leg straight up in a cheerleader-style kick. It’s always important for the woman to kick out her left leg, as doing that maneuver with her right leg might cause the man great personal injury, causing him to accidentally drop his partner. Although it takes a fair amount of strength, this is accomplished mainly with leverage. When I start the dip maneuver, I bring the woman directly in front of me and lean towards her and give her a gentle push to my left with my hand on her lower back. With this hand-placement, I can hold a woman up for quite a few seconds and only a few inches from the floor.
A drop is done almost the same way, except I hold on to the woman’s hands with her wrists crossed and give a gentle push towards her, which is the signal for her to lean backwards. Unless a woman has done this maneuver before, I typically show her how to do it off the dance floor a few times before doing it on the dance floor. With this maneuver, I remain standing straight up the entire time while the woman does all the downwards movement. And, just as in the dip, the woman can also do a hand-flair and cheerleader kick if she’s comfortable with the leverage. On the other hand, this maneuver can be more taxing on the woman’s body, as she doesn’t have my hand under her back to help her keep straight, so holding her down for a long time is not a good idea unless she’s sufficiently athletic. Bringing the woman back up after a dip, though, is a bit more of a challenge, so I typically will spin her on her way up so she turns counter-clockwise before facing me again, which is easier for me and more fun-looking to others and the woman than just coming straight up.
For the most daring women, I also love leading a flip. As with the drop, this should be done first off the dance floor and with a woman who is either gymnastically trained or is average or light weight and shorter than the man. Since I’m 6 feet tall and stronger than average, I can flip a woman comfortably two or three times in a song that’s not gymnastically trained up to around 150 lbs and somewhat close to my height. The reason for being extra careful with this maneuver is that the woman is literally flipped in the air around the man’s right arm, which is held straight out; if done correctly, the woman will tuck her legs in and allow the man to push her around his arm while she lightly cups her hands around his arm.
I start the flip maneuver by moving the woman so she’s on my right side in a 90° position to him. Once in that position, the man puts his right arm across the woman’s front and puts his hand on her waist. I place my left hand on the back of her legs behind her knees and push forward so she then somersaults over my right arm.
Well, that’s all for now! Don’t forget to dance…
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Why men don’t ask women out - The Contribution of Yancy Ismalsin
I’ve always wondered about my fellow “brothers” who complain about how women always play games, which makes them feel a need to be superficial in their relationships out of defense. Unfortunately, I can now understand their position, because I’ve experienced some of that game-playing just recently since moving to the Phoenix area.
Of course, it’s true that I’ve experienced game-playing before, but I’ve never seen it played out with such visciousness from women anywhere other than in Phoenix, and when I started attending a church highly recommended by a friend of mine who used to go there when she lived in Phoenix, I would’ve never expected to find such a den of vipers.
My first experience of this church’s singles group was an ice cream social at the home of one of the members. Being a very outgoing person (an ENFJ, for Myers-Briggs enthusiasts), I had no problem going up and talking with both men and women at the party and getting involved in some of the games (fun games, that is, like Taboo, cards, and the like). The thing that shocked me was that one of the guys in the group approached me later in the evening and told me I should wait after a few months of being in the group before asking any of the women out.
At the time I heard this, I thought that was a pretty controlling thing to say; I mean, women are always wondering why men don’t ask them out, and if a guy is told he’s not allowed to ask a woman out, then the guy issuing the commands sounds like he’s trying to hoard the wealth. In retrospect, I should’ve seen this as a sign it was not a friendly group and that I should’ve started looking elsewhere for quality friendships. However, I decided that they really didn’t know me and, for all they knew, I could be a really bad person, so I gave it some time.
I did try to get to know a few women as only friends, but when I finally decided to ask one out, I found out just what kind of evil really lurked in the souls of the women at this supposedly Christ-centered singles group of this conservative church in the Phoenix area.
Yancy Ismalsin (not her real name) was a very attractive and athletic woman with a very beautiful smile (the first thing I noticed about her and attracted me to her). Since I only had her e-mail address, I sent her an e-mail to see if we could get together some time. I knew she enjoyed dancing, so I suggested that but also said that just meeting for coffee some time would be fine for me. Unfortunately, my office at the time was located in the southeast section of the valley, and Yancy’s was in the northeast; those familiar with Phoenix know that can take almost an hour to drive, so we couldn’t meet during the work day, and she said she probably wouldn’t be able to go dancing because she was a single mother with younger sons to care for; unfortunately, that also kept things from working out for a date before work or immediately after work, so I waited for a better time before asking again.
Since my office was closed the entire week of Thanksgiving, I saw a chance to have lunch with some of the friends I’d met as well as having the chance to hook up with Yancy again.
When I made my second request, I was highly shocked when Yancy made wild accusations about me being an unsafe person and how I didn’t take no for an answer. When I asked her what I did to get this kind of response, she only would say that I would never listen and wouldn’t tell me. Because this disarmed me severely and I was incredibly homesick for Dallas, I decided to go back to Dallas the next weekend and see some old friends.
When I arrived, I hooked up with some really close friends (both men and women) who know me very well, and they also were very confused by this girl’s reaction, so I resolved to see Yancy as the unsafe person she accused me of and, although not the kind of solution I would’ve preferred, chose a special boundary of avoiding her at every opportunity. When she had a party at her house a few weeks later, I even went so far as to go back to Dallas that weekend.
Just as it says in Romans 8:28, God used Yancy’s behavior to help me get over my mounting homesickness by giving me an extra good reason to see my friends in Dallas that I’d been missing so much. Although it is difficult, God has put it on my heart to pray for her so that she will get the healing she needs and so He will protect other men from being maligned by her until the time she gets better.
Of course, it’s true that I’ve experienced game-playing before, but I’ve never seen it played out with such visciousness from women anywhere other than in Phoenix, and when I started attending a church highly recommended by a friend of mine who used to go there when she lived in Phoenix, I would’ve never expected to find such a den of vipers.
My first experience of this church’s singles group was an ice cream social at the home of one of the members. Being a very outgoing person (an ENFJ, for Myers-Briggs enthusiasts), I had no problem going up and talking with both men and women at the party and getting involved in some of the games (fun games, that is, like Taboo, cards, and the like). The thing that shocked me was that one of the guys in the group approached me later in the evening and told me I should wait after a few months of being in the group before asking any of the women out.
At the time I heard this, I thought that was a pretty controlling thing to say; I mean, women are always wondering why men don’t ask them out, and if a guy is told he’s not allowed to ask a woman out, then the guy issuing the commands sounds like he’s trying to hoard the wealth. In retrospect, I should’ve seen this as a sign it was not a friendly group and that I should’ve started looking elsewhere for quality friendships. However, I decided that they really didn’t know me and, for all they knew, I could be a really bad person, so I gave it some time.
I did try to get to know a few women as only friends, but when I finally decided to ask one out, I found out just what kind of evil really lurked in the souls of the women at this supposedly Christ-centered singles group of this conservative church in the Phoenix area.
Yancy Ismalsin (not her real name) was a very attractive and athletic woman with a very beautiful smile (the first thing I noticed about her and attracted me to her). Since I only had her e-mail address, I sent her an e-mail to see if we could get together some time. I knew she enjoyed dancing, so I suggested that but also said that just meeting for coffee some time would be fine for me. Unfortunately, my office at the time was located in the southeast section of the valley, and Yancy’s was in the northeast; those familiar with Phoenix know that can take almost an hour to drive, so we couldn’t meet during the work day, and she said she probably wouldn’t be able to go dancing because she was a single mother with younger sons to care for; unfortunately, that also kept things from working out for a date before work or immediately after work, so I waited for a better time before asking again.
Since my office was closed the entire week of Thanksgiving, I saw a chance to have lunch with some of the friends I’d met as well as having the chance to hook up with Yancy again.
When I made my second request, I was highly shocked when Yancy made wild accusations about me being an unsafe person and how I didn’t take no for an answer. When I asked her what I did to get this kind of response, she only would say that I would never listen and wouldn’t tell me. Because this disarmed me severely and I was incredibly homesick for Dallas, I decided to go back to Dallas the next weekend and see some old friends.
When I arrived, I hooked up with some really close friends (both men and women) who know me very well, and they also were very confused by this girl’s reaction, so I resolved to see Yancy as the unsafe person she accused me of and, although not the kind of solution I would’ve preferred, chose a special boundary of avoiding her at every opportunity. When she had a party at her house a few weeks later, I even went so far as to go back to Dallas that weekend.
Just as it says in Romans 8:28, God used Yancy’s behavior to help me get over my mounting homesickness by giving me an extra good reason to see my friends in Dallas that I’d been missing so much. Although it is difficult, God has put it on my heart to pray for her so that she will get the healing she needs and so He will protect other men from being maligned by her until the time she gets better.
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